weakness.

Romans 8:26-30

Truth

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Hope

And we know that those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."

sunk.

Lately.. I've been going crazy. My thoughts are getting the best of me and I can't seem to catch up with myself. I am quite exhausted and I believe it is directly related to my thoughts. This happens to me all too often, I over think and worry about EVERYTHING. I do think this is a challenge I will deal with for a long time.

But you know what? I don't want to deal with this. It is far too annoying and far too tiring. It seems almost impossible for me to relax and just enjoy the great things that are right in front of me.

Last night my dad and I went out to eat and I remember thinking how cool it was. It is not that in the past I haven't enjoyed being around him and my family, it is just that last night I finally realized how important family can and should be for me. I know that I have good friends around me and people that care about me, but I don't feel like I deserve it. I am always unable to return the love to them that they show towards me.

So, what should I do? I have no idea. I just hope this anxiousness that is sitting on me would relieve, even just for a full day. I need to learn how to have more fun. Stop over thinking everything and just kind of go with the flow of life. In the process of learning this I hope I don't push the most important people to me, away from me.

I watched this video just a few minutes ago and I think it may be something awesome for me and I want to share it with you. It's Francis Chan speaking about taking risks.

Enjoy!

-brett

me. finale.

God remained faithful through the first 16 years of my life, before I ever gave Him credit or acknowledged Him for who he is. He brought our family through a very hard time. We were lead divinely to exactly the right place so that we could meet with the exactly the right people that could help. I am amazed as I am typing this how much He kept us safe in His arms; though we didn't notice.

In June/July during the summer in between my Junior and Senior year of high school I went on my very first trip to a place that is very close to my heart: Estonia. It was only an 11 day trip, but it was incredible. I was so free while I was there. I acted a little crazier and dropped a lot of the nerves I tend to get around people. It was a great experience.

After returning it would soon be time to start my Senior year high school. I can remember Leigh Anne always joking about how we can't believe I made it that far, alive. No, never because we were worried of an overdose or car wreck even; simply because Leigh Anne wanted to kill me during those first 6 years in Georgia. I am glad she didn't though, I'm not sure what she would do without my messy room or smart comments I tend to make.

Anyhow, I was anxious for senior year to fly by and luckily I was on work program. I was able to leave school before 12:00 each day. It was like a dream come true. I started off my senior year as one of the leaders for FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). From the beginning this was a struggle; seeing that I wasn't an athlete it was hard to gear the messages and themes towards athletes.

In my junior year I began to mess around on drums a little bit. When I was in 7th grade I made the best decision in band class to switch from the ever so manly clarinet to the percussion side of the world. I never knew how important of a decision I made right then. Some of the other leaders at FCA wanted to start a band that could lead worship, they asked me to play drums. I agreed and I was pretty horrible. I had never really learned how to play. I hadn't played much since middle school and it was so difficult the first time we played. I did enjoy it though.

Over the remainder of Senior year I joined a band with some really good buddies of mine. The original name of the band was "Blueberry Jam" and our claim to fame is a cover of "Mountain Jam" by the Allman Brothers, although we changed the name to "Sawnee Mountain Jam." For those of you that live in Forsyth, you should understand.

Most of the time we would just mess around at Joel's house (one of the guitarist) for hours, managing to play two MAYBE three songs in that time. We enjoyed to drag out guitar solos, change the tempo of songs and build it up real big at the end. It was great time. We played a few shows that year and people seemed to enjoy us for the most part. While I was playing with these guys and also playing with FCA I realized that I really enjoy drums. I started practicing on my own time and then would go and play for hours with The Revival (the new name for Blueberry Jam). It was cool to become a drummer again.

I made it through my senior year and during that time Estonia slipped back into my life. I was asked to come back to Estonia for a full summer after my Senior year and along with me my buddy Scott was also asked. He was much quicker to say yes than I was. There were a few things in my life that I was not so willing to give up, but as soon as I did I sent the email to Chris Brock asking if I could come.

After graduation was over and the festivities that follow, Scott and I boarded a plane for a two month journey in Estonia. That summer was the most eye opening summer I ever experienced. God made himself so known to me. He made it so clear that I could have a relationship with him and be closer than I was before. He showed me that He can work through me and use me to bring glory to his name. He taught me that things can get tough but to trust in him and he would carry me and the team I was working with through those times. I could spend 15 blog posts on just that summer in Estonia alone, so I will move on.

In August just after returning from Estonia I gained my current job at Starbucks. It has treated me well over the last year and a half. Sometime between August and January of 2008, my friend Nick asked me to come play drums at the youth group he was playing at the time. I remember being so nervous about it. I had to learn to play live with a click track (metronome) and also to play something that was not as improvised a jam band music. I made it through it alive and they kept calling me back. I was amazed, I hadn't decided that I wanted to continue playing drums when I got back from Estonia, in fact it had almost been time to close up that part of life. Though, I got the call. Over the following months I got much better at playing with a click track and I learned many new things about drumming and worship music. I had moved away from jam band music and moved into my favorite type of music.

During the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 I spent time thinking about whether or not I wanted to return to Estonia for another summer. I ended up making the decision that I would. I raised the support and was getting ready to head back to Estonia in June of 2009. The only thing I was nervous about this time around was, am I still going to be able to play drums when I get back?

There I was heading back to Estonia for two and half months. This past summer was the most amazing time I have ever experienced with God. In the summer past, He showed me this close relationship I could have with him. In the most recent visit to Estonia He showed me how faithful and TRUE his word is. I learned a lot about the Bible in this past summer. I learned a ton about how God worked between the Old Testament and New Testament of the Bible. There were so many themes through His word that I was beginning to see and how everything was always leading up to the birth of Jesus. It was incredible, I fell in love with Estonia last summer. So much so that I began speaking about leaving the states for some time to live there. This desire is still in my heart, but it is all in God's time.

Since returning in August I have spent a lot of time with friends. This has been a struggle because sometimes I am not the most loving and compassionate person, especially if I am in a bad mood. God has showed me this in the last couple of months. It is becoming my "thing" to work on in 2010. The verse "Let your love be genuine" in Romans snuck up on me a week ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it.

Other than working at Starbucks and spending time with friends, there has been drums. I never dreamed drums would even go as far as it has now. It continues to grow though. I have seen God in it a lot. I am enjoy each time I get behind a drum set more and more. As far as my future goes in Estonia, I am unsure. Right now I am following my dream.

I can't complain about life right now. I have people in my life that I have never cared so much about anyone else. I struggle to show them sometimes, but it is in me. My prayer this year is to grow into loving relationships with the people in my life. Drop the sassy part of me and to let my love be genuine. I cannot do this without God. I have to allow him to work through me and step out of His way.

I hope you have enjoyed seeing the journey God has taken me and my family on. Please forgive anything that is not grammatically correct. There were many thoughts I was trying to get out! I am looking forward to sharing more on the blog about God and what he is teaching me. I hope it can bless you, as I would love see this Blog only for His glory. Go, enjoy your day and we can catch up soon.

Thank you,

brett

me part quatre.

The next 28 days of my life would be a lonely healing time. Two times a day I would be in groups of others who struggled with drugs and alcohol like myself. In some cases worse than mine and others not as severe. It was interesting though; when you put a group of recovering addicts together there is a temptation to have a better drug story than the other. It was almost like you got some "fix" out of reliving your drug past.

I don't remember too much of this time spent in there other than it being very lonely. I spent thanksgiving without family that year. It was very tough to be able to only speak to your parents once a week for a chosen length of time. While I was there I received letters from some people. The people who sent me letters were the guys from my small group, family and others at church. I am now realizing how awesome it was to get those letters from them. I remember getting a letter from my friend Elizabeth while I was there; she sent me a small metal cross and words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me, I had gone pretty far from the "faith" that I found in 9th grade.

On the last weekend I was in treatment we had to do counseling as a family. Those three days were some of the toughest times we had together as a family. I had to reveal every thought, action and drug I had ever done, to my parents during those days. It was extremely tough on Leigh Anne. I remember her saying, "how am I ever going to let you back into my home and how am I ever going to trust you again?" That is a real statement and very powerful. It was true though; after all of the hateful things I'd done and all the money I took from my parents, how were they going to trust me again?

After the three days were over I was released from treatment and the three of us as a family went to spend a few days in Seattle. It was pretty awesome there. For a long time I wanted to move to Seattle later in my life. After we left Seattle I flew to Indiana to spend some time with Jack and Nancy (Leigh Anne's parents) for the days leading up until my parents got there for Christmas. While I was there, before Dad and Leigh Anne got into town, I spent a couple of nights drinking cough syrup and taking pills I had found in the bathroom cabinet in attempt to get high. I had relapsed, just days after leaving treatment. I did not get caught for this and decided I would not tell anyone this had happened.

After returning to Atlanta after Christmas I began to go back to school and also went back to the Out-Patient drug treatment place I had attended before being sent to Washington. I would spend the next 6 months going to treatment three nights a week for 3 hours each time. I also attended 1-3 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings a week during this time. I will forever be grateful for one of my counselors there named Ashley. Ashley had a way of digging deep into your emotions and head and opening them up. After crying at the realization he had pulled out, the two of us would begin to stitch the wound back up and leave it in the past. These months of being in treatment were very painful and growing for my family and I. After the six months were over and I graduated from Out-Patient treatment my family and I had a sense of trust in the home. I did end up telling everyone about my relapse that I had a few days after treatment, 4 months after it had happened. This is really were I began to see progress in my life. After I told that secret I had nothing else to hide from Dad and Leigh Anne.

During this time I really focused on Church and God. I fell in love with God and I enjoyed helping out at the church. I surrounded myself with great friends whom were great to have around. I made it through my 10th grade year and the summer after and was excited for my junior year. I worked my first job during my junior year; Mama Leo's pizza. I had a girlfriend from tenth grade into eleventh grade who was great to have around. Things were going great!

Shortly after my girlfriend at the time and I broke up things began to get interesting in my life. There were a couple of guys at the pizza place who were into drugs and they seemed to be having so much fun with it. One day I decided to ask if I could come hang out after work with the guys. They agreed and that night in December of 2006 I smoked weed again. It had such a powerful effect on me. I remember having short black outs and not being able to hold track of time. Although, something in me loved every second of it. I smoked one other time that week and then I went to Ohio for Christmas to spend it with my mom. I spoke to no one about what had happened, but while I was in Ohio I did slip some of my Mom's alcohol. After returning from Ohio I began to smoke weed every day. My habit picked up right where it left off before going to Washington. My parents had no idea what was going on and I kept quiet to most people at school and church about what was going on. Though, there were people around me who noticed what I was doing. Black circles were developing around my eyes and I became a much quieter person. I spent a few weeks in January that year coming to school stoned every few days. As it was getting closer to the end of the month Ecstasy was becoming popular around school. I had to try it. I had never had the opportunity in the past. I saved up some money from work and I bought two Ecstasy pills and some weed from a buddy. The next night I took the pills and smoked the weed. I was alone. I remember that night. It was horrible.

During that night I did not see anything that was not there, but I did hear things that were not going on. I remember hearing my parents yelling downstairs about calling the cops and then arguing that they wouldn't and they would just deal with me in the morning. Every time I would go out of my room to check if this argument was really going on or not there was silence. I could hear my dad snoring and the sound of their fan roaring. It was driving me crazy. Why was I hearing all of this? Finally the intense part of the high wore off and I went into my backyard, sat down and smoked cigarettes. While I was sitting down I tried to figure out what had just happened to me. I did not sleep that night. I got ready early the next morning and went to run sound for the 5th grade room at my church. I was extremely paranoid. It had to be obvious that I had been on drugs all night.

The next week I spent trying to figure out what was going on in my life. The Saturday night with the ecstasy had been terrifying. The following Sunday while I was at youth group I stayed after to talk with my small group leader. I told him everything that had been going on since December. I was done. I wanted to quit. He took me home that night and I went upstairs to get my weed so that he could get rid of it for me. He took me for a drive to talk about what I needed to do about my parents. After we talked he took me back home. That night I called my dad upstairs and told him everything. It was the most freeing moment of my life.

My parents did not get too angry at me. I made the decision to quit drugs for myself this time. It stuck. It made a huge difference that I chose to do this and not that someone else chose it for me.

I met some great friends during the last semester of Junior year. I attended a bible study called the Brotherhood and I remember that during those days in the Brotherhood I began to really see a relationship between myself and God. It was great. My family and I were happy and I had no struggles with drugs or alcohol. Finally I was experiencing freedom in my life and I have no one to thank other than God and His grace.

-----------------------

Guys,

When I went into this blog series of my life story I had no idea that it would continue to stretch out this long! I hope you are still on board with my story. I appreciate you all so much for taking the time to see where God has taken me and also what He has led me out of in my life. I am excited to tell you about the past two and a half years of my life in the posts to follow. They are exciting and I can't wait to relive them as I tell you about it! Please feel free to send me any questions, either on the blog comments box or through email/facebook! I would love to hear your story if you would like to share it!

Thanks!

-brett

me part trois.

I enjoyed my home schooling teacher. I probably did better in school those few months then any other time in my school career. I would like to think that during this time I tried to straighten out my life, but I was 13 or 14 and wanted to have fun. I spent time cleaning the house and there is something I will never forget about that: Leigh Anne had me clean all of the floor boards in the house one day; man was that fun. In the family we had problems. It seemed that all we would do is argue about, well, anything. I don't believe I was using too many drugs or drinking that much at this time; because I was so closely monitored.

After that summer I was able to go back to school and I would be beginning high school at Forsyth Central High School. After just a short while being in school I met a couple of people who were into what I was and I got quickly introduced back to weed. I was so eager to get high that I would try it while I was at school, it couldn't wait. I had a big mouth when I was in 9th grade and I wanted everyone to know that I did drugs, even if I wasn't doing them as much as I said. One day in health class I got some weed from one of my friends and made a make shift pipe to smoke out of. I took the pot and the pipe and headed to the bathroom. I got nervous and only took one hit and then went back to class. I acted stoned although I hadn't been. Over the next couple of days I showed people this "pipe" I had so that I would look cool. While I was sitting in science class one day the assistant principal came in to pull me out of class. He told me to bring all of my things with me. As we were walking to his office I fell behind a bit and dropped the "pipe" on the ground in attempt to not be busted. It didn't work. He heard the thump and I was done for.

After all of the tribunal and drug testing was over I was sentenced to attend Piedmont Learning Center for the remainder of my 9th grade year. While I was there I spent time drinking on the weekends when I could but not doing drugs because of the random drug testing. Although when I finally had the chance to, I did. During winter break I was able to get high and it was almost as if I met a long lost friend. I played it cool the rest of the year at Piedmont and made my way out of there.

During that year I made a decision that would forever change the way I felt about life. My family and I were still attending church and I was getting pretty into it. I loved the music. There was so much life in it and the feeling I got while they were singing was like nothing I had ever experienced. I remember one time at an event my dad and I would go to on Tuesday nights they sang "Marvelous Light" and it just made sense. There were a few things that took place around this time of my ninth grade year that lead me to make a decision. Accept Jesus Christ as the saviour and forgiver of my life or just say no to it. I chose yes. I was happy about it and I believe that it kept me away from the things that were hurting me. If only for a short while.

I actually think it was on the day of my baptism that I met him, who will not be named, but he would become my best friend the summer after ninth grade. While we were at church one day the two of us began to talk about what we liked to do and found out that we both were interested in weed. That evening I went to his house to hang out and found my "old friend" again. In a cow pasture while sitting in a tree I got high. It was the most amazing feeling I had felt up to that moment of my life. I loved every second of it and I NEVER wanted it to go away. I chose to spend a lot of time at his house that summer, and spent most of that time getting stoned. It was perfect. Life was great.

When school started in tenth grade I decided I wanted to start playing baseball again because it was something I enjoyed doing the few years before. I was out of the loop a little bit because of being in alternative school in 9th grade so I went to workouts after school. My friend who I got stoned with all summer long also played baseball. We talked our parents into letting us go to baseball workouts after school on Mondays and then I would go to Young Life with him and spend the night at his house. After Young Life we would stay up most of the night, do drugs and watch Dazed and Confused countless times. The weekends would begin with a Friday night smoke and it wasn't until Sunday morning that I would no longer be stoned. On Sundays I would go to church in the morning with the parents and then go to the youth group on Sunday afternoons. I had made some friends in my small group who I can still call my friends today. They never left my side through all the years of high school. No matter what I was doing. There I was, stuck with a crisis. Being a Christian and loving getting stoned.

Things began to fall apart in the house. I imagine my parents knew I was doing drugs before I knew that they knew. We would argue about all sorts of things. I remember one time that they did catch onto my drug use, and I was grounded. Although, one time I was able to go to hang out with my buddies who used as long as I didn't use. I promised and begged. Being the little s*^% that I was, I got more messed up that night than I ever had, after promising I wouldn't. It wasn't a bad thing to me, it is exactly what I wanted. Ever time I would use drugs the goal was to get higher and more stoned than the time before. The idea of being into heavy drugs was attractive to me. The problem was that I could only get my hands on pills and weed. It was cool though, smoking weed and listening to Pink Floyd, Sublime and Bob Marley was alright with me.

I remember having a conversation with my friend about Crystal Meth. "Dude, would you try it?"

"I don't know man, maybe, that stuff is pretty heavy."

Eventually he would try it. He told me about it and it sounded pretty alright. I asked him if the next time he had some if I could do it with him. He agreed. We got such a little bit for the both of us that it was almost worthless. I remember being at an old southern baptist church event that they put on each year, I believe the church was Oak Grove. We went into the bathroom and tried a little bit and it was so little that we felt no affects. Later that night we both snorted the rest and still felt little affects from it. But, we did it. We were happy about that. We became annoyed, we wanted more so we could really get high from it, but we couldn't get any. We chose to get my bowl and scrap it to try and get some of the residue from the previous weed that had been smoked in it. We spent a while smoking that and getting a little bit high. All in all, a pretty crappy night for us. We didn't sleep and I think my dad noticed that we looked a little rough the next morning.

I'm not sure what the timeline was, but not long after that I was introduced to a drug counselor. The same one from 8th grade. This time though, I would be joining their out patient drug treatment program. It was the first night that I had started and I was asked the question, "how long have you been clean?" I said well, "less than 24 hours, I got high last night." By the end of that night my parents and the counselors had found a nice in-patient drug rehabilitation center for me to go to in just a week, in Washington.

The next week I was taken out of school and slept at the foot of my parents bed every night until it was time time to go to rehab. I would listen to Pink Floyd at night, just trying to get that same feeling I got from weed, but it didn't compare. I was still able to smoke cigarettes which helped quite a bit.

In November of 2005 my dad and I got onto a plane to fly to Portland, Oregon so that we could drive to Yakima, Washington so that he could check me into my home for the next month; the youth drug addiction treatment at Sundown M. Ranch. http://www.sundown.org/